June 2, 2014
I have always wanted to be close to my father. Sons want to be like their fathers, and I'm no exception. Yet, I have found over the years we are not close and it has bothered me. Other things have also bothered me. I have been Wiccan for over a decade now, and have explored paganism and witchcraft, and it has added greatly to my spiritual life. I did notice the striking contrast between a pagan practice and ritual, and atheism and rationality. I felt deeply conflicted by being on the one hand seemingly irrational to the extreme in one case, and rational to the extreme in another case. My intellectual life outstripped my irrational life, but did it? What has happened is that my intelligence was able to balance itself out with my spiritual pursuits, and get closer to the truth of the matter.
Our fathers are symbols, in a fashion, for the God concept. We see them as powerful, in my case highly intelligent, dismissive, and unwilling to look at certain things. I certainly projected a lot of that into my own father. But the real problem was not my father at all, and in light of current events, I see even more clearly now that this has always been about me, about myself, and my own relationship to what I thought of as the Godhead, not to my biological father. He is his own person and as such has no responsibility for my life. I am now 45 years old and perfectly able to care for myself. I have had tremendous difficulties lately and have found myself with no job and almost no money to support myself.
Polysyllabic words are usually used by intellectuals to elevate themselves above the masses, to make them feel superior and more intelligent than others. This is just a mask though for a deeper insecurity, and it creates a shadow self inside the intellectual that becomes its own undoing – the ability to not think critically or accept criticism, and to feel the need to shield itself from the realities of poverty and suffering.
Anything that takes one away from personal responsibility is a bad thing in my view. We have to define rationality and irrationality in order to determine what they are, and atheism as well. Atheism to me is simply divorcing religious concepts from cognition, that's all it is. It gives one a clean set of data to go by, and discerning lies and truth are much easier using rationality, in fact it's the only way. Therefore, irrationality equates to lying and dishonesty, either to another or oneself. Lying to ourselves is commonplace and destructive. I have done it a lot. But, I've always had a striving to know the truth and own it, even if it meant being uncomfortable with what I learned. I can be just as much a fascist as anyone else, just as much a negative person and brooder. All of us have the same potentials and the same capacities for negativity. I get confused quite often, but in my own stumbling around and confusion, I end up at a clearer truth all the time. It progresses and changes, but the only danger is in marrying ideas.
I've been deeply ashamed of qualities in myself I saw as irrational. But, I see now that they were far from irrational because, although they were not dealing with the world of facts, I was not being dishonest with myself in any real sense. When you learn something is false, you can then adjust your behavior accordingly, that is the best any of us can do. You cannot blame someone for something when they did not know it was false, but again this is in large part based on trust and faith, not knowing the hard facts.
Some of the most destructive things in life to us are hidden and not visible. They are not “provable” by any measurements or devices. Carl Jung was right in his theory of synchronicities pointing to something in the unconscious mind becoming conscious, moving into the conscious area. It happened to me in Boston, and the flowering of the multidimensional self has already started with me and will continue to do so in the future. Everything in life is based on separation (not oneness) and the recognition of that is now paramount, in my opinion, for evolution of human consciousness. Anything less will most likely result in our demise.
At least now I know I can live the rest of my life with a peace and harmony that I did not own before, enjoying the beauty of Nature in all its wonderful forms, the devic consciousness of trees and wildlife, and seeing things in myself that I was not aware of before. What I have discovered in myself is the balancing of the left and right brain, the “narrow door” spoken of in Luke in the Bible, again another “coincidence,” as my sister named her son Luke, and I told my sister Luke's birthday before his actual birth. Neither my sister nor I have any “proof” of that, yet it is as true as the sky is blue.
Intellectuals would do themselves a great service by looking at why they are sometimes more fundamentalist and more literalist than most Baptist preachers and the like. If you don't give the devil a place to roost inside of you, you may never know what he is up to and which is worse, not knowing at all what he's up to or keeping an eye on him? Shadow selves do lurk in the unconscious and they will destroy us unless they are allowed to come to the light of conscious cognition.
Of course cognition will only reconcile itself to predeterminism – cognition knows nothing but itself, so how could it calculate anything but itself? It will always come to the conclusion that 2 + 2 is 4, that is basic logic. Yet, there are things inherent in the human soul that are not calculated with cognition, and never will be. Human beings are more than cognition, yet if you go looking, you won't find anything but cognition – again, the “faith” thing.
I believe that our very DNA, our genes, were manipulated by extraterrestrials and we have an inbuilt command to be servile to others and to worship something outside of ourselves – in other words, to be slaves. We were designed to be slaves for the people who came here originally and made us, that is our heritage. I also believe there is another race here on earth called reptilians, and they embed themselves into human beings and live off of fear as a sort of food. They attach themselves at the pineal gland and in the mucous membranes of the brain and head, and they can be dealt with on their own terms once you're aware they are there. The Puritans knew of these creatures and were scared to death of them, which only further embedded them inside of themselves, as they feed on fear. That is why they wanted to kill the witches hundreds of years ago, when all they did was put the reptilians in firmer positions of power. They thought they were demons, because they look quite scary; in that respect, the human brain does us a favor, as we cannot perceive them with eyesight normally. If we could, the reptilians would be able to jump right back in you, because they are frightening in appearance. Yet, they are not to be feared. They are smarter than us for sure, but they made a mistake by thinking we would never become aware of their presence, as in my personal case. These beings have been in my life before in the 1990s, and they are somehow connected to people from other planets. Their own race is not from here, as none of us are from here originally except the primates.
I wanted to make my father responsible for the worst aspects of my own Divine Self – that I was cruel, mean and had little conscience or caring for the suffering of others, and that other people were responsible for my financial problems. Nothing could be further from the truth of the matter. I understand more each day that I am God, that there is nothing external to myself to worship, and that the idea of god is a hideous lie. Working with the shadow self and energy work and meditation, will help all of us greatly to evolve faster, become more cognizant of the true situation with humans on earth, and give us all many reasons to have inner contentment and happiness. I am still working through incredible pain and suffering, yet I also understand that ultimately I am the one responsible for everything that happens in my personal life, and I am endeavoring to create a secure and safe and Sacred Circle for myself and those whom I love.