Monday, June 2, 2014

Truth and Lizards

June 2, 2014

I have always wanted to be close to my father. Sons want to be like their fathers, and I'm no exception. Yet, I have found over the years we are not close and it has bothered me. Other things have also bothered me. I have been Wiccan for over a decade now, and have explored paganism and witchcraft, and it has added greatly to my spiritual life. I did notice the striking contrast between a pagan practice and ritual, and atheism and rationality. I felt deeply conflicted by being on the one hand seemingly irrational to the extreme in one case, and rational to the extreme in another case. My intellectual life outstripped my irrational life, but did it? What has happened is that my intelligence was able to balance itself out with my spiritual pursuits, and get closer to the truth of the matter.

Our fathers are symbols, in a fashion, for the God concept. We see them as powerful, in my case highly intelligent, dismissive, and unwilling to look at certain things. I certainly projected a lot of that into my own father. But the real problem was not my father at all, and in light of current events, I see even more clearly now that this has always been about me, about myself, and my own relationship to what I thought of as the Godhead, not to my biological father. He is his own person and as such has no responsibility for my life. I am now 45 years old and perfectly able to care for myself. I have had tremendous difficulties lately and have found myself with no job and almost no money to support myself.

Polysyllabic words are usually used by intellectuals to elevate themselves above the masses, to make them feel superior and more intelligent than others. This is just a mask though for a deeper insecurity, and it creates a shadow self inside the intellectual that becomes its own undoing – the ability to not think critically or accept criticism, and to feel the need to shield itself from the realities of poverty and suffering.

Anything that takes one away from personal responsibility is a bad thing in my view. We have to define rationality and irrationality in order to determine what they are, and atheism as well. Atheism to me is simply divorcing religious concepts from cognition, that's all it is. It gives one a clean set of data to go by, and discerning lies and truth are much easier using rationality, in fact it's the only way. Therefore, irrationality equates to lying and dishonesty, either to another or oneself. Lying to ourselves is commonplace and destructive. I have done it a lot. But, I've always had a striving to know the truth and own it, even if it meant being uncomfortable with what I learned. I can be just as much a fascist as anyone else, just as much a negative person and brooder. All of us have the same potentials and the same capacities for negativity. I get confused quite often, but in my own stumbling around and confusion, I end up at a clearer truth all the time. It progresses and changes, but the only danger is in marrying ideas.

I've been deeply ashamed of qualities in myself I saw as irrational. But, I see now that they were far from irrational because, although they were not dealing with the world of facts, I was not being dishonest with myself in any real sense. When you learn something is false, you can then adjust your behavior accordingly, that is the best any of us can do. You cannot blame someone for something when they did not know it was false, but again this is in large part based on trust and faith, not knowing the hard facts.

Some of the most destructive things in life to us are hidden and not visible. They are not “provable” by any measurements or devices. Carl Jung was right in his theory of synchronicities pointing to something in the unconscious mind becoming conscious, moving into the conscious area. It happened to me in Boston, and the flowering of the multidimensional self has already started with me and will continue to do so in the future. Everything in life is based on separation (not oneness) and the recognition of that is now paramount, in my opinion, for evolution of human consciousness. Anything less will most likely result in our demise.

At least now I know I can live the rest of my life with a peace and harmony that I did not own before, enjoying the beauty of Nature in all its wonderful forms, the devic consciousness of trees and wildlife, and seeing things in myself that I was not aware of before. What I have discovered in myself is the balancing of the left and right brain, the “narrow door” spoken of in Luke in the Bible, again another “coincidence,” as my sister named her son Luke, and I told my sister Luke's birthday before his actual birth. Neither my sister nor I have any “proof” of that, yet it is as true as the sky is blue.

Intellectuals would do themselves a great service by looking at why they are sometimes more fundamentalist and more literalist than most Baptist preachers and the like. If you don't give the devil a place to roost inside of you, you may never know what he is up to and which is worse, not knowing at all what he's up to or keeping an eye on him? Shadow selves do lurk in the unconscious and they will destroy us unless they are allowed to come to the light of conscious cognition.

Of course cognition will only reconcile itself to predeterminism – cognition knows nothing but itself, so how could it calculate anything but itself? It will always come to the conclusion that 2 + 2 is 4, that is basic logic. Yet, there are things inherent in the human soul that are not calculated with cognition, and never will be. Human beings are more than cognition, yet if you go looking, you won't find anything but cognition – again, the “faith” thing.

I believe that our very DNA, our genes, were manipulated by extraterrestrials and we have an inbuilt command to be servile to others and to worship something outside of ourselves – in other words, to be slaves. We were designed to be slaves for the people who came here originally and made us, that is our heritage. I also believe there is another race here on earth called reptilians, and they embed themselves into human beings and live off of fear as a sort of food. They attach themselves at the pineal gland and in the mucous membranes of the brain and head, and they can be dealt with on their own terms once you're aware they are there. The Puritans knew of these creatures and were scared to death of them, which only further embedded them inside of themselves, as they feed on fear. That is why they wanted to kill the witches hundreds of years ago, when all they did was put the reptilians in firmer positions of power. They thought they were demons, because they look quite scary; in that respect, the human brain does us a favor, as we cannot perceive them with eyesight normally. If we could, the reptilians would be able to jump right back in you, because they are frightening in appearance. Yet, they are not to be feared. They are smarter than us for sure, but they made a mistake by thinking we would never become aware of their presence, as in my personal case. These beings have been in my life before in the 1990s, and they are somehow connected to people from other planets. Their own race is not from here, as none of us are from here originally except the primates.

I wanted to make my father responsible for the worst aspects of my own Divine Self – that I was cruel, mean and had little conscience or caring for the suffering of others, and that other people were responsible for my financial problems. Nothing could be further from the truth of the matter. I understand more each day that I am God, that there is nothing external to myself to worship, and that the idea of god is a hideous lie. Working with the shadow self and energy work and meditation, will help all of us greatly to evolve faster, become more cognizant of the true situation with humans on earth, and give us all many reasons to have inner contentment and happiness. I am still working through incredible pain and suffering, yet I also understand that ultimately I am the one responsible for everything that happens in my personal life, and I am endeavoring to create a secure and safe and Sacred Circle for myself and those whom I love.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Puritanical Bleach (or Reconciling Your Inner Puritan)

The devil concept is a good one and a potent one. It is the highest spiritual knowledge one can obtain in physical reality, until another “concept” is invented. I put the term concept in quotes because the idea of the devil is not exactly an idea, since its inception came from the spiritual realm, and again the word “realm” is very misleading – for it is not a place, nor is it “one” area. It is a vast depth of what might seem like feelings or beingness, but a field sort of like a huge baseball field or outer space, but with absolutely no conception of “space.” It's a strange thing to try and describe, impossible really, but it is where all the action takes place. Like when one dreams, the dream environment itself is sort of like an empty nothingness where the dream is then created and enacted, even subatomic and molecularly – the dream field is valid and real and almost pseudo-physical.

It is true most rationalists are left-brained and too fundamentalist and puritanical in their views – it is a prejudice that eats through understanding just as much as bleach. Bleach is a good analogy. Even just using a small amount of bleach with warm water, the bleach kills all the bacteria, all the good balancing things that lie within, and then the buildup of bacteria has to start all over from scratch, which it always will, as Nature has better sense. Bacteria is highly intriguing subject as are viruses, and most any subject having to do with Nature.

We are all at our own level of evolution, some of us not so good, some of us brilliant, some of us downright dumb. But it's best not to judge others, not to look at them and define them as thus and so, but to respect their integrity as an individual consciousness and respect their choices, made using their own sovereign will. Cognition does indeed reconcile itself, and only comes up with predeterminism as the ultimate answer – as cognition is not aware of anything outside of itself, and cognition is predetermined, that is what logic is, what rationality is in its essence. It does have mathematical round edges, so to speak, but overall it will reconcile itself as surely as mathematics does, and you will always get the same answer, 2 plus 2 equals 4 always and forever. Anything else is not logical. Yet, it is not rational to only include left-brained activities in human equations, as more is involved. Denial of this fact does not change the situation, and only makes it worse usually. That is one level of this discussion.

Another level of this discussion is the pure absurdity of strict left-brained viewpoints. The absurdity is borne out of the specificity. Balance and polytheistic viewpoints are quite healthy; nonetheless, even Pagans can become literalists and fundamentalists, as you have well seen. Literalism is a disease of the spirit, it is like bleach – it wipes out everything except its own viewpoint and tries to dominate, yet the bacteria always come back – as Nature has more sense.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Democracy of the Self

Democracy of the self means being fair with yourself.  Don't be an enslaver and tell people what to think -- show them instead how to think for themselves, how to critically think. 

Some atheists are exactly like the people they claim to hate - fundamentalists.  They cling to their ideas like a drowning person to a log and refuse to allow anyone freedom to think what they want, how they want, why they want. 

True democracy of the self means allowing others freedom, and that sometimes is painful and difficult, but it has to be done.  No one point of view is strictly better than another.  All points of view are like working clay that you mold to your own understanding.  Hopefully, most individuals come to the conclusion eventually that power resides in their own hands, not the hands of another.  Literalism is a disease that afflicts most all people in the world, and it's time for it to stop.  Literalism destroys everything in its path and turns it into mashed potatoes with no gravy -- it's not even tasty, it's just plain mashed potatoes.  Don't put such blandness in your diet - don't even listen to what I'm saying - just use it as a guidepost and think for yourself, and the world will automatically transform to a much nicer place.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Evil Boy

I drove in my car to Boston from Mobile, Alabama, to accept a job at a local coffee shop, which later turned out to be a joke.  While I was there, I found a hookup on Hornet. I asked how he was, he said, “Not bad, you?” I asked if he had other pictures and he replied, “Yes what would you like to see?” He was attractive to me and appealing. We then traded videos on another application and I noticed his phone number was 978-491-9113. My mind knew that phone number – it was almost the same as my sister's old phone number of 979-481-1163. What were the odds of that happening? Not only that, but it was obvious the numbers had simply been rearranged, the third and fifth numbers had switched positions, and the 6 in the last four digits had been flipped upside down to a 9 (it was in the ninth position originally but moved to the seventh). My room number at the motel was number 9. He was an artist who liked blasphemous subject matter and though I identified with that it almost scared me – we are attracted to that which we do not understand. It didn't hurt that he was well endowed and I was eager to have sex in any case – it'd been several weeks if not months. He told me his name was Tyler. Moreover, the deceased Christopher Hitchens was having conversations with me in my head, it had been happening for a few days and Quentin Crisp was there as well. 

Tyler showed up and when he walked in the door, I noticed he was quite short and had an air of innocence. I'd never met Tyler before, I'd only been in Boston three days, but he said the most peculiar thing as I crawled naked atop his muscular, lean and youthful body: “We are going to have fun this time.” I replied quickly, “As compared to what, the last time we had sex?” He looked confused and bewildered for a second and it evaporated into sex. Thinking about it later, I almost had the feeling Tyler and I had gone back in time and changed something. Was it the 3's, 6's and 9's? Was he really the devil? Had I lost my mind? Was I going to die here? Was Hitch really here or am I delusional? Why would an atheist care one way or another what was going on in my life? Would I ever get a job or end up homeless? Why was the hotel manager so flirtatious with me? Why was the number 28 imprinted on the fluorescent bulb in the bathroom?

Tyler's boyish charm and manly body parts excited me to no end. I wanted more and more. I made him come twice and I wanted him to fuck me endlessly. The pressure hurt at first, but once he made it in I wanted him to keep going and I actually enjoy it, but not unless I feel a connection with a guy. I am not made to just bottom all the time with whoever – I have to feel at least a strong lust to go there.

The next day, I continued looking for a job. I somehow knew that Tyler was the last bus stop on a long ride I'd been on since the mid-1980s. If I didn't grasp it, the next time I would be in for serious trouble.

Something then happened that I have craved all my life and never experienced. I was sitting in a chair, thinking, and facing the window of the motel room. The smell of old carpet and a countless maze of travelers' objects soaked the air. I kept the drapes closed to keep out the heat. It felt as if I was witnessing a sunrise and small bubbles gurgled up inside my chest and an orange glow came through the window. A most profound feeling washed over me as I watched Tyler, apparently out of his body, come through the window and into the room. I knew it was him and I had no qualms allowing him to come closer and meld into me. He had somehow found me in a dream world and wanted to see what it was like inside of me, so I let him in. There was no worry, no hesitation – I instinctively trusted him and knew it was the right thing to do. He went right into the center of my chest and through a doorway and he was gone – a beautiful experience yet short-lived.


Quentin stood against the wall while Hitch continued his quizzing of me, “This is going to be just lovely,” Quentin remarked, but I knew he meant the opposite. He had remained quiet mostly, as Hitch did the talking.

“Let's see what we have here, Marlon.” as Hitch sat on the edge of the bed, an exasperated breath eeking out. “You're telling us that Tyler came through the window out of body and went into your soul?” Quentin was smiling as Hitch stared unflinchingly at my face. Hitch was dead serious. I couldn't bear to look at him, so I looked at the dresser instead. “This is all presupposing you even have a soul? How do you know it's not just your imagination or wish fulfillment?” I had the sinking feeling Hitch was correct – this was not going to turn out well for me. “And you even thought he was the devil at one point? What does that say about your self image? Why would you let the devil in if you knew it were him? Do you not see the absurdity, the inane silliness of all this? Honestly, I am beginning to question even your motivations to change this about yourself. I don't think you are as serious as you say. You had better take a look at that.” I felt as if I were being scolded, but for good reason, and in good measure I was going to fight all the way. What was it about us humans that contains such heinous built-in irrationality? Why does it always come seeping and crawling back in? Is it a disease?

“And what delusional fantasy is it you think is going to happen now?” Hitch said. “You think Tyler cares about you and is actually going to talk to you? He might, he might not, but it is irrelevant. If you asked him right now, he would think you were crazy and frankly I'd have to agree with him.” Quentin stared on, sometimes looking out the window and pulling back the drapes, as if waiting for someone. Hitch's words echoed back and forth and I knew he was correct, yet why was I doing this to myself? What was it about me that was so Puritanical and insisting on monogamy and enforced emotions? It did not make sense.

“Let's take a look at your history and see what we have,” Hitch said. “You remember Ricky and Brandon and the other young men who fit this same pattern. You met them, had sex and immediately wanted to attach yourself to them. Remember?” Yes, I remembered, and Hitch was right, I did want to attach myself to them. I wanted to find a partner, a person to love, but how could I possibly ever find that when I clearly did not love myself? How can I claim to love myself if I'm being irrational and thusly dishonest? “You already have the data in your mind, you have everything you need to understand yet you still cling to this security blanket of lies,” Hitch went on to say. “It is destructive, immoral and horribly disgusting, not to mention the lack of respect you extend to your own intellect. You are doing a terrible disservice to yourself.”

“I agree,” said Quentin. And with that, a silence enveloped us all.


The next day, I was driving on the interstate en route to another job interview. I'd pondered many thoughts I had been having, that Boston was a wonderful city full of new things but seemed lackluster in the wrong ways. Roxbury did not seem so awful to me, I would live there, yet crime takes its toll and I'm sure nobody would want to live there if they saw the crime. I didn't see any on my travels through that part of town. I further thought that the idea of god truly is a hideous lie and at that exact moment, I noticed the tag on the 18-wheeler in front of me read “T463469.” The last four digits of that tag are my birthday. My mind immediately jumped to the other numbers, what could the leftover numbers mean? The coincidence was “confirmation” that the idea was indeed correct – god is a hideous lie, but what was 4 and 6? I texted Tyler, “Is your birthday April 6th?” I flashed back in my mind to 2007 when my sister was giving birth to her son, Luke. She was miserable towards the end and wanted to get it over with and wondered if I could pick up the date he'd be born. I tried my hand at it, and decided to pick up a book or magazine and whatever random page I turned to, that would be the answer. I got the number 43. I told my sister, “Hey, I got a number but unfortunately it's not a date. I tried.” Then we both realized that it could be broken up into a date, 4/3 or April 3rd, which turned out to be the exact date of Luke's birth. Tyler texted back, “June 22nd.” I told him about the truck tag and sent him a photo – there was the 4 and the 6.


“You realize the number thing is simply computation, don't you?” Hitch said. “Your brain is a great computation machine and computes things you are scarcely aware of, you couldn't be cognizant of those things and maintain equilibrium in the world. You understand all of this, yet you still inundate yourself with intellectual ambiguity and cognitive dissonance of a caliber and quality to beat the best of them.”

Irrationality is somewhat like a cognitive disease, it makes us do painful, outlandish and illogical things, and I think dishonesty literally is irrationality. Lies are irrationality.

In the end, I hope the reader can see that my mind was simply using the data that was in it to make a point – to liberate itself of irrationality that was going against its own survival. This is the precipice we have arrived at now as a species and there is no refund, no going back. Entertaining irrationality is a deadly mistake and will cost us our existence if we don't change. Of course the “rights of man” are given by man – there is nothing else. To think otherwise is a fatal error, we would all be wise to heed this warning. The idea of god is a hideous lie; yet, this does not mean the God/Goddess within is not real.  All of us are interconnected like a tree and synchronistic experiences will give you a path to balancing the left and right brain.

We all want coincidences and odd events to mean something, but they are simply random. That is what the left brain says, that there is no inherent meaning in any of it. It is our unfortunate heritage of irrationality that has led to so many people being murdered and tortured.

Hitch defined an era for me, he helped me define myself in a new way. Jane Roberts was correct – by Hitch giving up part of his life to social responsibility and endeavoring through his own understandings to be of benefit to others, and using his intelligence, his personality attained an eternal validity.  There has to be a third point of view to have the canvas of duality.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Waitress Guru

The profundity of the words that come from the mouths of the waitress. It is timeless knowledge. I recently had the great fortune to be on the receiving end of some astounding realizations: namely, that the idea of god is a lie; the sheer innumerable mass of coincidences that have been revolving around my life lately are quite unbelievable. It has always been so tempting to interpret these coincidences as supernatural in origin, or as preliminary proof that an afterlife does in fact exist, which is clearly not the case.

The idea of god itself is a hideous lie and will cause one to navigate into cognitive and imaginational territories quite unknown to anyone else, and it is destructive and painful. The emotional realities concocted from these untruths will cause you enough pain and distress they inevitably lead the intelligent to their own conclusion that these emotional outbursts have nothing to do with personal knowledge, but with the knowledge they think they have about certain subjects, which in my case was false and contradictory.

I made a recent move to Boston, driving 1500 miles and having some challenges along the way: paying for a hotel room I never stayed in, arguing with people about that, passing out in Virginia in a different hotel for 9 hours, driving by the NSA buildings while listening to a 60 Minutes report about how Ron Paul was the #1 abuser of PAC's, the man who delivered my sister in 1973 and for whom I voted in 2008 – was I delusional? That is what happens when you temporarily move to Mississippi.

My theory is that we all emerged from viruses – nothing more, nothing less. The only catch is to make sure you do not fall into intellectual traps of one variety or another, as they definitely exist and they are easy to fall prey to – but enough blasphemy for this post. Question everything, and believe nothing except what is factual and provable, otherwise you will pay the price, and it is not worth it.

Friday, May 9, 2014

S vs N

I had a great conversation today with an old friend and his father, southern folk whom I have known for decades but not seen often.   Southern values look at northern ones and inform about a lack of respect, a lack of caring, a lack of sensitivity to the needs of others.   Northern values look at southern ones and inform about a lack of intelligence, quite severe lack of critical thinking and aimless goals regarding education.   

It is true that Southerners can come off as bumbling idiots.  It is also true that Northeners can come off as superior and rude. 

Yet, the north and south must eventually re-circuit and plug back in together, to create new syntheses and solutions to real and dire social problems.  Likewise, it is not logical or rational for Liberals to alienate the Tea Party -- the northern and southern values have to meld, mingle and cavort. 

Is this intellectual naivete or a mark of future progress?  I vote for the latter. 

Deconstructing literalism

Literalism is incredibly destructive to understanding -- in any sphere, cognitive, artistic, intuitive, rationality, creativity.  When you see a word, do not automatically label the word as "bad."  For example the next time you hear "anti-gay," if you are gay yourself, you will automatically feel a small tug in your stomach, a feeling of gloom, that this anti-gay person just does not understand you or your values.

It's the same operative principle with any given subject matter.   It is challenging and difficult, but try to understand that words are just tools, and do not get stuck in the quicksand and mud of literalism.  It gets in the way of basic understanding and empathy most of the time.  Literalism can also be instructive, a corollary or bridge to a better comprehension, but most times I have seen it, the effects are quite destructive and negate any progress.  It makes communication between 2 or more people bumbling, inadequate and a rocky road.